Choo choo

You know that commercial that says “Life comes at your fast”? That’s exactly how I feel most of the time, but not for the same silly reasons that the commercial implies. It seems that my life is filled with monumental decisions that require quick judgment, with the permanent effects hanging over me like cumulonimbus clouds. Sometimes I wonder why I’m not strung out on drugs of alcohol or have an ulcer the size of Montana. What keeps me sane in the enormity of the choices I have to make in my life? What leads me to hover on the uphill side of the slope of insanity instead of slipping into it?

I wish I could offer some profound words about the thankfulness I feel or how the beauty of the sunrise brings an abundance of light into my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for a lot of things and have the ability to look on the bright side of a situation. I like reading those kinds of words that credible people write, but sometimes I stop and say to myself, “Really? Who the hell are you kidding? No one can find inspiration at every turn.” Or can they? Maybe I’m missing something.

I think I have a few things going for me. My ability to empathize (when I want to), the intrinsic compassion I feel for people, my competitiveness, which drives me toward my goals with a “force to be reckoned with”. But sometimes I wonder if those things are enough. The insecurities bang on the doors to my brain and heart and demand to conduct this train that seems to be barreling down the tracks at light speed. Can I keep it from wrecking?

It’s funny how someone I’ve known my entire life can look at me and say, “You have everything going for you.” What we project on the outside isn’t usually what we feel on the inside. In some ways, it’s comforting to know I don’t look as out of control as I feel. I don’t have any answers, but I do believe this: time and patience ultimately lead us to the right place. It’s important to try to make the right choices and consider every consequence of our actions, but sometimes we just have to let go and get into the caboose, trusting that the train will get to the station.