Choo choo

You know that commercial that says “Life comes at your fast”? That’s exactly how I feel most of the time, but not for the same silly reasons that the commercial implies. It seems that my life is filled with monumental decisions that require quick judgment, with the permanent effects hanging over me like cumulonimbus clouds. Sometimes I wonder why I’m not strung out on drugs of alcohol or have an ulcer the size of Montana. What keeps me sane in the enormity of the choices I have to make in my life? What leads me to hover on the uphill side of the slope of insanity instead of slipping into it?

I wish I could offer some profound words about the thankfulness I feel or how the beauty of the sunrise brings an abundance of light into my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for a lot of things and have the ability to look on the bright side of a situation. I like reading those kinds of words that credible people write, but sometimes I stop and say to myself, “Really? Who the hell are you kidding? No one can find inspiration at every turn.” Or can they? Maybe I’m missing something.

I think I have a few things going for me. My ability to empathize (when I want to), the intrinsic compassion I feel for people, my competitiveness, which drives me toward my goals with a “force to be reckoned with”. But sometimes I wonder if those things are enough. The insecurities bang on the doors to my brain and heart and demand to conduct this train that seems to be barreling down the tracks at light speed. Can I keep it from wrecking?

It’s funny how someone I’ve known my entire life can look at me and say, “You have everything going for you.” What we project on the outside isn’t usually what we feel on the inside. In some ways, it’s comforting to know I don’t look as out of control as I feel. I don’t have any answers, but I do believe this: time and patience ultimately lead us to the right place. It’s important to try to make the right choices and consider every consequence of our actions, but sometimes we just have to let go and get into the caboose, trusting that the train will get to the station.

Well, hello there.

I haven't seen you in awhile, but thought I would come for a visit. It felt good to hang out here last year. I'm not exactly sure why I stopped coming, but I'm ready to kick off my shoes and stay longer now. This is the perfect place for me to sit down, relax and air it all out.

I ran that too-warm of a marathon in Chicago last October. In 3:57. It was the most exhilarating experience to know that I could run fast...for almost 4 hours. The best part? Crossing the finish line 8 minutes after my dear friend and immediately engaging in a disgustingly sweaty and tearful embrace because she made her goal to qualify for Boston. For the rest of my life, I'll never forget that intense connection we shared. I knew what it took for her to get there and I was so proud of her. I was also happy for myself. Near the end of our training, I was a true slacker. I never thought in a million years I could keep that pace. But, I had the mental focus I needed and I pushed it through to finish in my adjusted goal time of under 4 hours. THAT, my friends, is what keeps me going back to the pavement for more.

The mental toughness that's required for any distance goal is easily translated into my daily life. It's been a difficult ride here in JR land. And worse, I've made it difficult for those who mean the most to me. Sometimes I want to roll over like a possum. Maybe if I pretend it doesn't hurt, it won't. Not true. I believe though, in the long run (and during), my strong will and determined nature will prevail. Those arguably beautiful traits, along with the river of compassion I feel inside me like the mighty Mississippi, will push me through the trials that I face. It's going to be bumpy for a while, in all directions. Sometimes it looks like an old, dense, uphill trail, but I know I just have to put one foot in front of the other and remember to focus on the cadence of my breath. Time works it all out. The miles get easier with every step you force your body to take, even when you feel like rolling over.

These are the life lessons I continue to learn from running...