Remembering "a date which will live in infamy"

Seventy years ago on this day, more than 2,400 American men were killed and over 1,200 wounded in the surprise attack  on Pearl Harbor.  We've all read the history of that day that propelled us into the midst of the great World War, but the number of men who are still alive is fast dwindling.  According the the World War II museum website, the VA estimates that the WWII vets are dying at a rate of 740 a day. That's astounding to me.

On my drive in to work today, I was listening to a story about the gathering of vets at Pearl Harbor to commemorate the 70th anniversary.  I started to think about my grandfather who died this year and how, even though he told us many stories, I wish I had asked him more.  I wish I had written them down.  I wish I had recorded them on tape before his stroke. 

I've been writing about an oral history project for one of my graduate classes and listening to the interview has reminded me of the value that our older generation brings to our society.  I've always loved "old people", probably because I had the good fortune of having close relationships with all 4 of my grandparents until they began to die in my early 30's.  I wish I had them now as I grow older to recount their history and experiences .  They were all 40 before and I think their insights would make my road less rocky.  It's too bad we don't often fully realize when we're in our 20's the value older generations bring to us.

The interview I've studied is with a prominent woman from our region who did great things in her lifetime.   Fortunately, her story was recorded many times through various oral history projects before she died at age 93.  Our region is richer because we have her personal narratives archived for future generations to use to learn about life here in decades past.  I thought about the Pearl Harbor vets this morning and that most of them have to be around 90 years old.  Soon, they will die and take it all with them.  I know our country has done a good job of documenting the memories and remembering the sacrifices, but the real, live men will be gone soon. I think that's a travesty. 

Opportunity

Let's try this blogging thing again...almost 24 months later!

“We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.”  This was a quote the other day on my iGoogle page.  How do I handle opportunities that come my way, but involve a great deal of effort (usually emotional) on my part to take advantage of them? I can’t truthfully say that I always put forth 110% to do what I need to do to make the most of good fortune, but I can say that I try to practice it everyday.

It’s been about eight weeks since I was forced to stop running because of a back injury that I ignored for oh, nine months or so.  Chronic pain in my left glute and hamstring with every step was something I learned to deal with, although it drained nearly all of the joy out of my daily runs, but it was the eventual numbness in my left heel while just standing or sitting that got my attention.  Reluctantly, I dropped out of the marathon that I was scheduled to run next Saturday and committed to a regimen of physical therapy, the weekly swipe of my credit card, and a promise not to run or bike. I was even able to drag myself onto the dreaded elliptical in a desperate effort to keep some of my fitness. Physically, I’m doing better, although there is still work to be done on some areas of referred pain from my back.

But mentally…I’ve missed my runs.  Running does bring me peace, above all else.  It’s a chance to be alone with my thoughts; away from Facebook and the hectic life I lead.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer that idle hands are the devil’s workshop and I cram as much into my long waking hours as possible.  I even thrive on it.  But running gives me the chance to think about those opportunities that are laid out before me and work out the things in my head that cause me to furrow my brow during the day.   I’ve gotten along just fine in the last few weeks of being a “good girl” as my PT says, but there’s been something missing.  As someone who hates to sit still, I’ve realized that my time of reflection during my runs makes me feel more settled. When I’m more at peace on the inside, I look at the world differently—I judge less and notice things around me.  I have time to emerge from my own thoughts and pay attention to other people, the color of the sky, or the speed limit.

It’s in these moments that I find opportunity and have the energy to face them with enthusiasm:  The opportunity to learn something from someone. The opportunity to make a connection with another person.  The opportunity to stop and notice how beautiful the moon is when it’s low on the horizon. The opportunity to slow down, wrap my arms around my kids and tell them that I love them.  Each new day, and every moment really, is an opportunity to get it right.

Choo choo

You know that commercial that says “Life comes at your fast”? That’s exactly how I feel most of the time, but not for the same silly reasons that the commercial implies. It seems that my life is filled with monumental decisions that require quick judgment, with the permanent effects hanging over me like cumulonimbus clouds. Sometimes I wonder why I’m not strung out on drugs of alcohol or have an ulcer the size of Montana. What keeps me sane in the enormity of the choices I have to make in my life? What leads me to hover on the uphill side of the slope of insanity instead of slipping into it?

I wish I could offer some profound words about the thankfulness I feel or how the beauty of the sunrise brings an abundance of light into my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for a lot of things and have the ability to look on the bright side of a situation. I like reading those kinds of words that credible people write, but sometimes I stop and say to myself, “Really? Who the hell are you kidding? No one can find inspiration at every turn.” Or can they? Maybe I’m missing something.

I think I have a few things going for me. My ability to empathize (when I want to), the intrinsic compassion I feel for people, my competitiveness, which drives me toward my goals with a “force to be reckoned with”. But sometimes I wonder if those things are enough. The insecurities bang on the doors to my brain and heart and demand to conduct this train that seems to be barreling down the tracks at light speed. Can I keep it from wrecking?

It’s funny how someone I’ve known my entire life can look at me and say, “You have everything going for you.” What we project on the outside isn’t usually what we feel on the inside. In some ways, it’s comforting to know I don’t look as out of control as I feel. I don’t have any answers, but I do believe this: time and patience ultimately lead us to the right place. It’s important to try to make the right choices and consider every consequence of our actions, but sometimes we just have to let go and get into the caboose, trusting that the train will get to the station.

Well, hello there.

I haven't seen you in awhile, but thought I would come for a visit. It felt good to hang out here last year. I'm not exactly sure why I stopped coming, but I'm ready to kick off my shoes and stay longer now. This is the perfect place for me to sit down, relax and air it all out.

I ran that too-warm of a marathon in Chicago last October. In 3:57. It was the most exhilarating experience to know that I could run fast...for almost 4 hours. The best part? Crossing the finish line 8 minutes after my dear friend and immediately engaging in a disgustingly sweaty and tearful embrace because she made her goal to qualify for Boston. For the rest of my life, I'll never forget that intense connection we shared. I knew what it took for her to get there and I was so proud of her. I was also happy for myself. Near the end of our training, I was a true slacker. I never thought in a million years I could keep that pace. But, I had the mental focus I needed and I pushed it through to finish in my adjusted goal time of under 4 hours. THAT, my friends, is what keeps me going back to the pavement for more.

The mental toughness that's required for any distance goal is easily translated into my daily life. It's been a difficult ride here in JR land. And worse, I've made it difficult for those who mean the most to me. Sometimes I want to roll over like a possum. Maybe if I pretend it doesn't hurt, it won't. Not true. I believe though, in the long run (and during), my strong will and determined nature will prevail. Those arguably beautiful traits, along with the river of compassion I feel inside me like the mighty Mississippi, will push me through the trials that I face. It's going to be bumpy for a while, in all directions. Sometimes it looks like an old, dense, uphill trail, but I know I just have to put one foot in front of the other and remember to focus on the cadence of my breath. Time works it all out. The miles get easier with every step you force your body to take, even when you feel like rolling over.

These are the life lessons I continue to learn from running...

What a Difference 2 Weeks Can Make...

To catch up, I’ve actually had a great 2 ½ weeks of running. My weekday runs are fast and enjoyable once I’m out there. The last 2 long runs, 15 and 16 miles, were challenging at the end, but I felt pretty good throughout. I attribute some of it to the Gu. I never realized how important it is to take in those calories. Of course I’ve done it many times, but it’s been awhile since my mileage has been high enough to require it. I'm also convinced that the lower humidity has been really helpful. It was even a little chilly yesterday morning.

The lack of soreness in my legs is shocking. What’s up with that? Could it be that I’ve started taking a multi-vitamin religiously? I think that’s the only thing I’m doing differently. Not that it doesn't feel heavenly to have someone rub them, but they aren't achy like they have been the last few weeks. The human body is amazing.

I can’t believe there are only 9 weeks left. Where has the summer gone? The big 20 and 22 milers are looming, but I feel confident that I can make it through. I’m still not convinced I can make the 3:45 that I need to qualify, but I’m going to try. I’m still just pumped about having an excuse to visit Chicago!

The last 2 weeks have been better for me with regard to the relationships with my friends. I think I had prolonged PMS in July-no joke. I was overly sensitive and defensive with everyone. It was probably a combination of stresses that have now taken a different shape and are more manageable. RS reminded me how important it is to keep my mental focus on my goal. She said that she totally believes that I can do it physically. To paraphrase, I just have to get my head right. Her list of positive influences and situations in my life brought me back to one of the reasons I decided to commit to this marathon. My relationships with my close friends are so important to me. Right or wrong, I need that feedback and validation from people who care about me and I need to give them what I have to offer. I've resigned myself to it. That's how I'm wired. The downside is that I think the intensity with which I feel that need, is unique. I have to accept that people will always disappoint-not intentionally, but it happens. Even so, I can't stop flood of emotion I have for the friends that I love. *sigh* Life lessons...

My Feet Are Moving, But my Heart's Sinking

After two disappointing long runs and very sore legs, I’m finally ready to face the blog. The humidity, allergies and muscle fatigue have really bummed me out. I’m normally a half-empty girl, but with 11 weeks to go until Chicago, I’m going look ahead and focus on the positive instead.

Tuesdays are speed work days and I’m very thankful that the last one was finally gratifying. I banged out 7 miles on the treadmill with 5x800m’s (~1/2 mile) and the last repeat was a full 1600m at 8 min miles. It felt great. Wednesday’s 5 miler was tough because of the oppressive humidity. Wringing out my shirt after a run is disgusting. Today’s 6 ½ pace run was another confidence builder. I finished with an 8:17/mile pace – 17 seconds faster than my goal pace. The thought of running that fast for 20 more miles scares the hell out of me though. A reprieve from distance this week…ten miles on Sunday. It should be a relatively easy run.

I’m trying not to panic at the thought of the 26.2 big picture, but reminding myself that it’s a process. It’s hard to feel calm, because I feel like I should feel better for most of these runs, but I’m struggling. I know I'll be able to run it. How fast I can run it is the burning question. I hope it’s just the heat that's holding me back so far.

Luckily, my mind and emotions are still in a good state. My old friends are invaluable and my new ones help fill in the gaps. Silver and gold, as the Girl Scout song goes. Lots of good things are about to happen for me. I still believe equilibrium is on its way…

It's Mind Over Matter

Brutal 13 miles last Friday. I think I can attribute it to fatigue in my legs. I did hills on Tuesday, lots of leg work in the weight room Wednesday, ran 4 miles at a good clip on Thursday and then RS and I decided to knock out our long run early on Friday instead of waiting until the weekend. It was a big blow to my confidence to struggle up the hills. It’s mind over matter at that point and it helps to have an encouraging running buddy who won’t let me quit, even if I do feel like tripping her sometimes when she has more energy. Not really. I love you. (I’ve seen her fall and it ain’t pretty.) Still, I finished with an 8:53 pace. It felt like 11:53. I’m proud of myself for running through the pain.

I ran an easy 3 with the bonehead on Sunday to work out that lactic acid in my quads. We both appreciated the relief. Weights on Monday - I love weight days – and treadmill speed work today. I did 4x800’s, but should have done 5 or 6. I ran out of time and breath. Running fartleks, or intervals, are usually enjoyable for me, but these allergies are killing me. I know my friends are sick of hearing me complain about it! I kept reminding myself that I could do anything for a short period of time. On the treadmill, that mind control kicks in with about 1 ½ minutes left in my interval. Convincing myself that any amount of time is surmountable is a theme that seems to carry over into my life right now.

The tendinitis in my right knee is still aggravating, but I’ll take it compared with the chrondomalacia that nearly killed me training for Chicago in 2004. Ice, ice baby. And lots of Advil liquid-gels. Bless the guy who came up with that idea.

Lots of good ju-ju in the last week. My mind finally feels better than my body. I will find equilibrium eventually. Now if I could just find someone with magic hands to rub down my legs…